Some are specially bred

This is shit reporting

It is akin to asking a deaf and dumb decorator to explain the colour of wallpaper to a blind customer.

Let’s take a look at the report about this bobby who has been expunged from duties on the RPU.

Facts:

1. he tripped a speed camera
2. he was responding to a RTC
3. he was stood down or stood himself down
4. he collected a Chinese throw away

Heres what we don’t know:

a. What was the geodetic distance based upon Transverse Mercater Projection principles between the Golden Cock (or whatever it was called), takeaway and the camera, and, at what point between the said Golden Cock and the camera did the officers commitment become aborted.

b. Who was the witness and what can be determined in regard to his – her –it’s (bark bark) experience in observational skills and indeed qualification to same.

c. Is the witness in gainful employment, or as I suspect, sticking his, her, its (woof woof) snout in the usual wasters cack.

d. What ‘form’ with regard to the witnesses reporting prowess has been established, ie is the witness of the same calibre as those who measure the grass on the dual carriageway and as soon as it exceeds 5mm over and above the specified length in the local authority ‘grass length limitation guidelines’, unleashes a tirade of legislative demands about cutting timescales, AND, is the witness one who, then, follows up by complaining that the grass cuttings are now being blown by the prevailing wind onto the public highway.

Here is what the reporter, Lander says:

Magistrates in Rotherham were told the takeaway had been ordered in advance.

What sort of bollocks from a journalist is that.

So fucking what. Here’s what we need to know – was he fetching a prisoners meal…….

If he was we have a short factual story to follow, but

If he was feeding the shift, well, bloody hell, was it time for refs, what about health and fitness, what about press ups, do they still do them as part of an annual fitness test, and that leads me on to Monosodium Glutamate in Chinese food and the functional qualities of the human digestive tract under chemical stress…………

Will this reporter be taken off typing duties and rested in the ‘remainder space’ dept of advertising revenues.

Milk and Honey

Digesting the wire this morning for anything which affects the way I work or interferes with my beer money, I noticed that the NUJ are at it now.

Personally I disagree with anything political, like this is, but I am wondering if this is a pretty clever move for a bit of publicity.

Thankfully I am not affected.

For my part I will not miss giving up sandstorms , drought , pestilence , baba ganoush and chopped liver.

I gave up suicide bombers a while back.

Whisper softly to me

We seek our playmates
Waking them up from all corners before it is morning.
We call them in bird-songs,
Beckon them in nodding branches.
We Spread our spell for them in the splendour of clouds,
We laugh at solemn death
'Til he joins in our laughter,
We tear open time's purse,
Taking back his plunder from him,
We shall lose your heart to us, O winter,
It will gleam in the trembling leaves
And break into flowers.

Rabindranath Tagore - Song of the Heralds of Spring

...Va. Tech 16th April 2007...

Sometimes; real words simply do not work - Bao Chi

Absolutely Rockall

The asylum seekers are kicking up again .

Apparently they have formed the opinion that they will be annihilated if they ever set foot back in the Congo. They should adopt be British attitude about these things and stand firm with ones countenance firmly fixed toward the approaching inevitable, just as the 24th (2nd Warwicks) did. It takes real spunk to maintain dignity when the threat of having an assegai thrust into ones rectal cavity looms spectral like from across the veranda.

If they really must stay and fly in the face of Governmental judgement, I reckon we could easily accommodate them on that floating platform that we built for the band during the ‘friends of Barabara Castle rally' at Rockall in 1977.

Innocent diner split second from death

Sometimes I get the urge you know. Oh yes. And last night was no exception. But in spite of scouring the better and seedier side of Pompey for Vietnamese cuisine I was disappointed. At one point I thought I was in paradise as the heady aroma of fish sauce wafted gently towards me from….some kind of glue manufacturing plant.

I really had a hankering for one of these. And some of this.

Not a hope. I could of course, have improvised (something I am really good at), for instance I could have grabbed a steak and kidney pie, a pack of super noodles, an oxo cube and a bottle of Tabasco, toddled off back to my room and poured a kettle of boiling briny over the lot, (discarding the pie crust and pastry of course. But no, I settled for the nearest neighbour, a Thai eatery in Southsea.

Sometimes a man needs something very spicy to replenish his deep yearning, and this night was no exception. I don’t ‘do’ curry any more after a disturbing incident in Lahore years ago, the details of which will no doubt emerge here with the effluxion of time, but for now it is suffice to say that the words ‘blowflies’, ‘arse’ and ‘flock of sparrows’ come to mind, so I ordered sautéed minced pork with chillies and a bowl of steamed rice in the mistaken belief that it would tame the beast within.

Something was lacking and I summoned the waitress who was, strangely enough, English, young, spotty and er…. not too quick on the uptake.

I couldn’t see what I wanted on the menu but knew what it was called.

Having told her that I fancied ‘a little bit of Nam Prik’, I was surprised to find her flying into a rage. Next thing I knew was that half the kitchen staff were out for me. Things did calm down when the mistaken intent was realised but if you employ foreign bimbos I suppose that’s what you get.

'Bored' in a hotel room writes:......

14.31 hrs - Its Good Friday in Portsmouth. I am reading the Bible. There is no other option, the TV in my hotel room is bolloxed, the light outside is too low for me to work. (Technically, this is called - shit lighting), oh, and the bar hasn’t opened yet. The last time this happened was in a seedier hotel in Tu Do, when I only managed to get to page 4. (There was no TV in Tu Do, probably because the electric supply didn’t exist).

14.44 hrs – If the bloody telly was working I could probably catch the new series of 'Most Haunted':

A man or a woman who acts as a medium or fortuneteller shall be put to death by stoning; they have no one but themselves to blame for their death. (Leviticus 20:27)

14.52 hrs -How long is it until dinner, could do with a snack, think there’s still that bag of Pork Crunch in my gadget bag:

Thus shall ye say to David, The king desireth not any dowry, but a hundred foreskins of the Philistines, 1 Samuel 18:25-27)


14.56 hrs - I haven’t seen tonight’s menu yet, I wonder if they have a Canadian Chicken Melt, haven’t had one of those for a while:

They will throw them into the fiery furnace, where there will be wailing and grinding of teeth. (Matthew 13:41-42)

15.10 hrs - I really feel like a few pints after dinner, wonder if there is a decent pub near this hotel, can't drink and drive:
Anyone who is captured will be run through with a sword. Their little children will be dashed to death right before their eyes. Their homes will be sacked and their wives raped by the attacking hordes. (Isaiah 13:15-18)

15.15 hrs - I wonder if that pub I used to use over by Camber Docks is still going, mind you it was a bit rough in there last time I paid a visit:
If two Israelite men are fighting and the wife of one tries to rescue her husband by grabbing the testicles of the other man, her hand must be cut off without pity. (Deuteronomy 25:11-12)

15.16 hrs -But then again, there's always that place in Eastney that has live music and entertainment every weekend, but wasn't there a fight the last time I went there?:
Then an evil spirit from the Lord came upon Saul as he was sitting in his house with spear in hand and David was playing the harp nearby. Saul tried to nail David to the wall with the spear , but David eluded Saul, so that the spear struck only the wall, and David got away safe. (1 Samuel 19:9-10)


15.21 hrs - I hope that wedding reception downstairs dosent go on all night tonight, I have an early start home tomorrow:
But if this charge is true (that she wasn't a virgin on her wedding night), and evidence of the girls virginity is not found, they shall bring the girl to the entrance of her fathers house and there her townsman shall stone her to death, because she committed a crime against Israel by her unchasteness in her father's house. Thus shall you purge the evil from your midst. (Deuteronomy 22:20-21)


15.28 hrs - I have so much writing to do when I get back, better work all through Sunday so we can go out and relax on Easter Monday:
On six days work may be done, but the seventh day shall be sacred to you as the Sabbath of complete rest to the Lord. Anyone who does work on that day, shall be put to death. You shall not even light a fire in any of your dwellings on the Sabbath day. (Exodus 35:2-3)

Er maybe not….Bloody hell, I need some fresh air, hope its safe out there on Fratton Road, there could be a Gideon lurking in some doorway…………

Lie detector plan was almost certainly leaked last week

I don’t believe that Works and Pensions came up with this ball numbing plan to introduce lie detector tests for those dirty malefactors who sponge off the rest of us.

Personally I think this is a belated April fool prank, by John Hutton, or maybe even Harry Hutton.

If it really did originate somewhere in the bowels of the Government, then the desk jock who devised it has been reading too many Gestapo novels and should be shot at dawn, particularly as his sense of confidentiality was poor and the plan was leaked.

My logic behind this is that only last week as I was taking the air alongside the housing benefit office I noticed a couple of burly compo encrusted builders resembling pot bellied hogs waiting to go inside. Looking back now, it seems obvious that they had been hauled in for questioning, why else would they be talking like Mickey Mouse, and Porky Pig (I was particularly impressed by the reality of his stutter).

Local radio newsreaders are turning into rat shit

Yes they are. They seem to be on some kind of subliminal crusade to make us all feel guilty with their subtle news reports.

The two keywords to watch out for are worried and upset.

Here’s an example:

'Doctors say they are worried about the increase in consumption of alcohol by the under thirties'

Bollocks. Do you really think that when a doctor pops into his local for a few pints with his doctor mates he looks around the room and announces in a withering voice
“Fuck me I’m worried about all these poor under thirty year olds in here they appear to be drinking rather a lot.”

If doctors were worried about such things they would be late showing up for surgery every morning after spending another sleepless night tossing and turning worried sick over the state of sub thirty year old livers.

Here’s another one:

'Local council leaders fear the move may upset local religious groups. '

This can relate to any story which has passing reference to such things as sausage rolls, Christmas, children’s nursery rhymes or the latest advertising campaign for lingerie.

Most of these religious groups don’t understand or even give a kipper’s dick about such matters. Can you really imagine someone getting so scared over a pair of French knickers that they burst into tears? Pull the other one.

When I was nineteen I got salmonella poisoning from a dodgy pizza, and haven’t touched one since.

Now the other day as I was getting ready for work a flyer advertising the new pizza place down the road dropped on the mat.

I was an inch away from calling in sick:

"Sorry boss but its terrible, some bastard has opened a pizza shop down the road, how can they do that after all the hurt they caused me in that heatwave in 1976. I’m so friggin upset boss, I can’t come in today, maybe tomorrow, I gotta go lie down now boss I’m starting to feel a bit faint……. "

Who preaches to the preacher ?

Last Saturday whilst out procuring sustenance for my offspring, dog and myself, I was rudely occasioned to rapidly leap to safety in the pedestrian only area of the shopping precinct.

The reason?

Weaving its way at a pace through the heaving populous was a police response car. The driver was negotiating his way around potential resus room patients with one hand whilst he warbled into a mobile phone with the other. He also seemed to have forgotten to apply the seat belt.
Can I try this too next Saturday afternoon but on a main road instead?

The Youth of today

A little while back I was having a swift one in a local pub when a middle-aged man looking a bit flustered came in and joined the chap standing next to me at the bar.

Clearly concerned as to what was wrong with his friend, the man next to me asked if something had happened to him.

“Yeh, some little twat just threw a left-over banana at me in the market place and it knocked my glasses off”, he bemoaned.

Sniggers among the assembled throng were quickly stifled.

After a moments thought, someone offered:

“You should report that to the police”

I wondered what the hell he would say at the front desk?

“Excuse me officer, I appear to have been assaulted with a short length of tropical fruit…….”

Chocolate Jesus absolutely scandalous

I was waiting to see what they would think up for Easter. This year a bunch of Catholics have got all upset, over this.

It came as no real surprise to me.

So whats the big deal over a chocolate Jesus for Christ Sake (pun intended). Isn’t it a good way to promote Christianity to the young?

Kids like chocolate right?

So in the light of the cancellation of this exhibition of the sculpture 'My sweet Lord', should we not firmly grasp the nettle and ban the George Harrison song of the same name and demand that backdated royalties from 1971 be paid by his estate so that we could then distribute the resulting Gargantuan fund to assist all the spongers of this world in purcahsing Plasma screen TV's which they can use to further educate themselves by watching educational programmes and the News?

And who are the Catholic League for Religious and Civil Rights? Sounds like an undercover terrorist group masquerading as God fearing churchgoers to me. Heres what their spokesperson had to say:

"They would never dare do something similar with a chocolate statue of the Prophet Mohammed naked with his genitals exposed during Ramadan."

The mind boggles, I will never look at Mars bar in the same light again.