Wednesday, 4 April 2007

Local radio newsreaders are turning into rat shit

Yes they are. They seem to be on some kind of subliminal crusade to make us all feel guilty with their subtle news reports.

The two keywords to watch out for are worried and upset.

Here’s an example:

'Doctors say they are worried about the increase in consumption of alcohol by the under thirties'

Bollocks. Do you really think that when a doctor pops into his local for a few pints with his doctor mates he looks around the room and announces in a withering voice
“Fuck me I’m worried about all these poor under thirty year olds in here they appear to be drinking rather a lot.”

If doctors were worried about such things they would be late showing up for surgery every morning after spending another sleepless night tossing and turning worried sick over the state of sub thirty year old livers.

Here’s another one:

'Local council leaders fear the move may upset local religious groups. '

This can relate to any story which has passing reference to such things as sausage rolls, Christmas, children’s nursery rhymes or the latest advertising campaign for lingerie.

Most of these religious groups don’t understand or even give a kipper’s dick about such matters. Can you really imagine someone getting so scared over a pair of French knickers that they burst into tears? Pull the other one.

When I was nineteen I got salmonella poisoning from a dodgy pizza, and haven’t touched one since.

Now the other day as I was getting ready for work a flyer advertising the new pizza place down the road dropped on the mat.

I was an inch away from calling in sick:

"Sorry boss but its terrible, some bastard has opened a pizza shop down the road, how can they do that after all the hurt they caused me in that heatwave in 1976. I’m so friggin upset boss, I can’t come in today, maybe tomorrow, I gotta go lie down now boss I’m starting to feel a bit faint……. "

1 comment:

totallyun-pc said...

I love the papers. If you compare a story from a few years back... The times reported that Prince Charles was "upset" because a number of police protection staff had used the "now unused" Clarence House servants quarters to sleep between long shifts. I'll bet he didn't give a donky's dong!

However, the News Of the World reported the same story.... "Royal Cops Captured In Queen Mother's Bed!" Now THATS a story.... you got to love em!